No title

"it is darkest before dawn."

I could use this to try to pyscho myself each time something bad happens that it's not going to last. That was Leon's advice. But (L)eon, I think I had hoped too much.

My heart feels like a ton of crumpled rock pieces. I haven't really like really really felt this way in a long time. Back to the (o)ld self. Maybe happiness wasn't what God have in mind for me. I can't even explain it, because to explain, I need to think about the issue, reflect about it and weigh the consequences and evaluate the situation. Which of course, is too much for me, my little weathered heart to handle anymore.

Not a(n)ymore please.

Results out on Friday. It's not lik(e) how it used to be, anxiety, tears of anxiety, tears of desperation and helplessness, restlessness and panick written all over me. Now it's just a sense of foreboding that is annoying the shite outta me. I want to get rid of. I needed an assurance, given the situation back 3 years ago. Now, it has boiled down to just me and the liberty that comes with age.

I know alot of us would like to curl up in a feta(l) position in a corner and squeeze their eyes really tight and wait til the storm is over. But I rather get up, face the world, pretend that nothing happened and let the day runs its course without your dark cloud hindering. Beats facing the darkness I see in my head and conjuring up all the negativit(y) I can come up with.


Yes.



"want to swim away but don't know how
sometimes it feels just like i'm falling in the ocean
let the waves up take me down
let the hurricane set in motion
let the rain of what i feel right now...come down
let the rain come down

where is the coastguard
i keep looking each direction
for a spotlight, give me something
i need something for protection
maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
the jets, i'm sunk, i'm left behind
i'm treading for my life believe me
how can i keep up this breathing

not knowing how to think
i scream aloud, begin to sink
my legs and arms are broken down
with envy for the solid ground
i'm reaching for the life within me
how can one man stop his ending
i thought of just your face
relaxed, and floated into space"